A Journey Back to Myself
I have this lifelong experience of not being understood. And of struggling with it a lot. I have always been smart and a quick learner. Studying was never a problem for me, but I still struggled a lot. I can use both conventional and less conventional methods of learning (I have a teaching degree, so I learned a lot about this), but I could still never achieve my full potential. I thought there was something wrong with me because nothing seemed to work. Everything led to burnout extremely quickly, and I got bored even quicker. I just wasn't effective in environments that expected me to think and work in a linear way.
Until I found the first person in my life who actually saw and appreciated my crazy mind without me even trying. At that time, I didn't understand what he liked about it, but this made me take my leap of faith and dig deep into this rabbit hole. And it made me realize how everything is interconnected. Yes, I will never be the best at projects and things that work in a linear way. A -> B -> C -> D just doesn't excite me.
I shine when it comes to projects where everything is interconnected, and the more complex they are, the more exciting they become. If I work on A that is connected to B and C and D, I can jump to any other letter whenever I want or whenever inspiration strikes. Just like in storytelling. Yes, I could do it by starting to write and continuing until I reach the end, or I could work on the characters first, then the geography, etc., and only start writing once all of that is done. Whatever.
But I work with fragments. I get an idea for a character, and I write it down. Then, out of nowhere, I suddenly see a scene I want to write, so I do it. And I jump from one thing to another. It doesn't seem very effective to an outsider, but it actually is. Because it gives me a really deep understanding of how the world I'm creating works, and sooner or later all these little fragments become one huge picture to work with.
That's also one of the reasons creating a choice-driven game excites me so much. It adds even more complexity, more problems to solve, and more aspects to think about. It also removes some of the obstacles I don't enjoy when writing a novel. So yeah, I can say that the more intellectually challenging and complex something is, the more exciting I find it.
The other thing that always held me back was going from the small details to the big picture. For me, starting from the big picture makes much more sense. I have to see the vision—the big picture, where I'm actually heading—to understand the small details, or to get excited about them. It's the same with my dreams: I know what I want to achieve, I know the first few steps, but everything else can unfold during the journey. All the decisions I make are determined by one question: "Will this serve my vision, is it neutral, or does it hold me back?"
So this rabbit hole I call my mind is an interesting challenge for me too. I am trying to figure out how it works and how I can make the most of it. Just like someone once said (honestly, I don't remember who it was): what if you're not an overthinker, but an overcreator?
So I am trying to shift my mindset and stop seeing my overthinking as a problem, but rather as a useful tool for my creative and future academic journey.
A small shift in mindset can lead to huge progress.