Art of Detachment
I have this sunny attitude that people really like.
And I can function like glue in a community: someone who holds people together, who gives hope, a long-term vision, and the feeling that together everything is possible.
This is why many servers wanted me to join them.
Of course, they would have tried anyway because I have a good account, I'm a cavalry player, whatever. Everyone wants that.
But my ability to tame the naughtiest world chats, solve internal issues, and navigate through hard times is something many servers wanted.
Someone even offered me Dragon Tickets to join them.
But no one can buy the Sun.
But what is behind this sunny attitude?
An almost dead ego.
As I got older and life humbled me in many ways, I realized that many people fight so many inner struggles. Behind a weird attitude there are often insecurities, sadness, and hidden trauma.
I learned not to judge unless something truly horrible happens.
(For example, I will judge someone who abuses children.)
This doesn't mean I don't get angry.
It doesn't mean people don't annoy the hell out of me.
But I learned that listening and observing lead much further than judging.
Seeing behind the mask.
Seeing the hidden motives behind people's actions.
I realized that, most of the time, people who hurt me do it because of their own pain.
And it slowly stopped hurting me.
The silence that once felt like a sword became a place of understanding and patience.
The gossip people spread about me is about their insecurities, their fear of me because they see me as a threat.
It became baggage that wasn't mine, so I put it down.
People getting in my way to hurt me is about their fears.
Many times, behind weird and unexpected actions there is nothing more than the desire to feel wanted and accepted.
There is this situation in my life where someone pushed me away.
I thought it was about me.
But I realized it never was.
It was about his fear.
His pain.
His hidden traumas.
His belief that he had to solve every problem alone.
This bullshit that men have to be the strong ones who carry everything alone.
That they can't be soft.
That they can't cry because it's a sign of weakness.
That they don't want to be a burden.
And things like that.
So they never really learn how to regulate their emotions.
I know.
I was there.
Same shit, different story.
So I realized it was nothing personal.
I don't feel anger.
I don't feel hatred.
I don't even feel pain anymore.
I have completely detached myself from the action.
And that detachment actually led me to my most honest and authentic feelings.
Love.
And patience.
This journey has actually been very interesting because I always felt a hidden force pushing and pulling me in directions I didn't fully understand.
Whenever I wanted to leave everything behind, I experienced a very strong pushback.
Whenever I wanted to act from my ego, my pain, or my anger—cut everything out like I usually do—life pushed back and forced me to think.
To think over and over again.
It forced me, every single day, to choose between staying and leaving.
Not to force an outcome.
For a long time, I thought it meant I am staying and forcing that outcome and this is what I should leave behind.
But then I realized that what I actually wanted to force was the ending.
I thought the only way I could detach myself was by cutting someone out.
But I was wrong.
It was about detaching my self-esteem from the action, not from the person.
And it forced me to make my decision about staying or leaving only after I had left my pain, my fear, and my ego behind.
After I had analyzed everything.
After I had thought about it millions of times.
Until I finally started to hear that little voice behind my fears, my pain, my sadness, and my ego.
The voice I call intuition.
The one that wanted me to act and decide in the way that was most aligned with who I am, my values, and my feelings.
Which, in this case, is staying.
And waiting.
My happiness isn't attached to people.
It is attached to acting in a way that feels right to me.
And I believe love is the answer.
So I am enjoying the journey, having fun, discovering new things...
And waiting.