Deepest Fears
We can play hide and seek.
For quite a long time. Really.
We can run from ourselves.
We hide behind humor, rage, detachment.
Lying to ourselves until our lies become our reality – and they become our truth.
But lies are just lies.
We all want certainty, connections we can trust, people who are safe enough for us to turn to.
Not for validation.
Not for them to be extensions of ourselves.
Not even for real understanding.
But connections we can share things with.
Share our happiness, our sadness, our burdens.
Equal giving and receiving.
Just to make this heavy and hard life a little easier.
To give meaning to things that have no meaning at all.
People who are with us in the dark times, not because they can solve our shit, but because they stand by our side.
And because they help.
I had to face the fact that I had pushed people away without even noticing.
Not because I didn’t want help.
Not because I didn’t desire their closeness.
But because I had no clue how to receive.
And what to receive at all.
Asking for something when I barely had anything to give back…
But this isn’t even the truth.
When I didn’t have anything, I thought I had nothing valuable enough to give.
And honestly, many times I didn’t even know what I needed.
I still have no clue. I don’t even know how people could help me when I have this very deep feeling that it is my duty to solve my problems.
What could I really ask for?
There are plenty of things I really need, but I feel that I have to solve all of them alone.
And losing six months of my plans kicked this doubt into overdrive.
I kind of figured out how I could solve things in two years with barely any help.
Now that I only have to solve the same shit in a year and a half, I desperately need to face one of the deepest fears of my unconscious mind: asking for help.
And accepting it.