Do it anyways...
I have always felt drawn toward the harder roads.
The ones other people didn't take.
And I always started walking down those paths.
But I always backed away.
This fear of success is something very different.
I don't really know what to do with this realization.
Because... yeah.
It hurts.
Knowing that this fear has held me back all my life.
That this is why I settled for less than I was actually capable of.
And that this is why I spent my whole life compensating.
With things I never truly cared about.
Or things that simply weren't that important.
I mean, I can finish a university degree in economics and informatics, and I feel no fear.
It doesn't matter.
I know I can do it.
There is no real risk.
But it lets me prove to myself that I am capable.
Even though that was never really the question.
Of course I can do it.
There is very little I can't make happen if I truly want to.
But being successful at something that actually matters...
Cracking my heart and my mind open.
Talking to people about the ideas living inside my head.
Brainstorming with a group of people while, instead of forcing myself to sit still, simply allowing myself to be who I am... throwing a fucking tennis ball against the wall so I can focus better on the conversation.
And then another realization hit me.
It was never socializing that drained me.
It was masking.
And watching other people mask.
Fake conversations.
Fake people.
Small talk.
No wonder I wanted to stop this healing journey...
Right before the breakthrough.
Again.
But maybe without this one realization, I would have simply repeated the same cycle.
I would have settled for less.
Because even if I had weeded out everything else, I would still have been afraid of success.
And I'm not going to lie—
I have no fucking clue what I am going to do with this realization.
It is so deeply rooted, so closely tied to who I am, that I honestly don't think anything will help except using my hyperfocus and my bull-headed attitude.
Recognize that the fear is there.
And walk straight through it anyway.
Really.
No more delaying.
No more sitting with it.
No more overthinking.
Maybe this is the one thing I have to sweep under the rug for now.
Then put a fridge on top of it.
Maybe even a whole house.
And hope that one day it becomes so flat that it finally loses its control over me.
I have to build a new habit.
Just like I did with this blog.
I have to close my eyes right before the breakthrough and simply take the leap of faith.
Finish this play.
Finalize my novel.
Write that game idea.
Start those short stories.
Just do it.
And then show them to the world.
I cannot expect to be recognized if I refuse to show myself—with all my flaws and imperfections.
I cannot create meaningful art without influencing people and, sometimes, the decisions they make.
And because of that, I cannot allow myself to stop right before the breakthrough anymore.
I think...
This is what the universe is trying to teach me.
Face the fear.
Make peace with it.
And do it anyway.