Endless Loop of Paralysis
Have you ever sat a whole day or more absolutely paralyzed and unable to do anything because out of a sudden there are way much more thing to do in a way shorter time? When you exactly know that there are things that are priority but at that point doing ANYTHING would be better than just sitting. But still you cannot do it. But time is running fast but hard and bold decisions have to be made. Every hour not trying things to happen just pushes you further away from your goal. Every wasted day risks your goals. But still you sit and are unable to do anything. These are the moments when I wish someone would hug me, told me I can do it, ask what they can help me with and then kick me on my ass so I finally get up. Dealing with my own mind is the hardest of all this shit. I honestly want to cry and feel like I was a total failure these moments. Not even my drive can push me out. Not the vision I see in front of myself. The world feels so heavy right now. I exactly know what I should do. But I am sitting here, writing this shit hoping that if I write it out it will be a little easier. And this is the time when I feel so terrible alone. Because I know that there is only one person now who I can count on – and it is me. Because even those who know this feeling cannot help. They don’t understand that hidden loop I am still sitting in. Because there is someone inside with an insane amount of drive and will tod o and create. And she is locked inside… And small steps don’t help. Someone has to kick that fuckin’ door in the way that all this tension finally finds its way out. It is honestly so terrible that I couldn’t even make myself to put my phone on charger. Both the charger and the phone are next to me. I don’t know. It is terrible. And more I don’t do anything the more failure I see myself. A fuckin’ endless loop.