Finally I am Angry
Okay, this time I really need to think "out loud" because I myself am a bit confused about what I actually want and how.
I need an absolutely fresh start in every single part of my life. Because the way things have been going cannot go on anymore. Not even in the smallest things.
I realized that even though I thought I had weeded out everything, I still have hidden layers that hurt as fuck.
And honestly, I am so fucking done with it.
It is time to face the fact that I have been betrayed all my life.
And blamed for it all the time.
How I carried everyone's shit on my shoulders because quitting was always easier than manning up and saying that they couldn't do it anymore.
How every single project in my life ended because the people who were supposed to be by my side decided to back out. And because I was the one who stayed and tried to solve shit, I got all the blame when things didn't work out.
So many dreams that didn't work out.
And it applies to everything: relationships, friendships, projects, ideas, studying.
I blamed myself because I could always keep going until I lost my motivation and whatever...
But that isn't the reality.
Everybody gets tired when they find themselves carrying the entire burden alone. Because it was more convenient for everybody else to leave.
Things that were never meant to be carried alone.
Just like server 773...
Five founders. Me as the last one standing.
A history full of betrayals, people letting me down over and over again, barely anyone standing by my side. Three seasons of trying to get shit done and build something out of that mess, just to hear that I wasn't enough, I wasn't good enough, while everybody was doing their own shit.
And me not being able to truly step up because I was too busy trying to balance everything and keep things alive.
I am so fuckin' done with this shit.
Everybody always had the chance to say no.
Always.
Fuckin' always.
And they always chose to leave when things got really hard.
When together we could have pushed through, moved on, made miracles happen.
But hell...
I alone am not enough to make miracles.
And while I was trying to survive, I wasn't able to see who was really by my side.
Because all my fucking energy went into surviving.
And the worst thing is that I gave forgiveness to everybody but myself.
I always blamed myself for not being enough. Not being enough for this and that...
But I never actually took on more than I was capable of achieving.
It was the others who stepped back and decided to break their promises.
And yes, I can forgive. I can understand them. I cannot blame them for shit happening in real life.
But I can blame them for leaving me alone without a word.
I can blame them for not even trying to help figure things out.
I can blame them for being jealous of me because it was a hard pill to swallow that I was actually better than them at some things. That I was capable of making my own decisions.
I can blame them for wanting me to be their puppet.
Their fucking pretty puppet who would nod along to every fucking thing.
And when they realized that I wasn't a fucking puppet, they threw me away.
Jealousy...
It has haunted me all my life.
Because I was always fuckin' free.
Because I just stepped all over every fuckin' status quo I encountered.
Because I was brave enough to tell people to their faces that maybe they shouldn't put their fuckin' insecurities on me.
They were jealous because I was always brave enough to start over and over and over and over again, even when all I wanted was to die.
And after a while, they made me believe that I was the problem.
That I had to explain myself all the fuckin' time.
Holy fucking shit.
And they made me question my abilities.
My ability to create, to lead, to take my life into my own hands.
Because if I am able to do it, then they have to look in the fuckin' mirror and ask themselves why they cannot.
And really, I gave everybody excuses.
Understanding.
Everyone but myself.
I put aside my needs and wants for other people's comfort.
So they wouldn't have to face their insecurities, their problems.
They wouldn't have to look in the fucking mirror and admit that yes, this fucking life can be lived in a different way.
And we fucking have a choice.
I took that choice away from myself so they could rot in their comfort zones.
I forgot how to fuckin' shine and create and unite people so I could soothe insecurities.
Fears that were never fucking mine to carry.
I am so done with this bullshit.
I carried this baggage for decades like it was part of me, but no...
It is not my baggage.
I don't owe anyone a fuckin' explanation for why I want to live the way I want to.
I don't need to explain my choices, whether they are about life, love, work, or whatever.
Because this is my fuckin' life.
This ends here and now.
I am starting this fucking life again from scratch, and I don't give a fuck who thinks what.
I don't need to explain why I want to pursue doctoral studies.
I don't need to explain why I want to become a narrative designer.
I don't need to explain my past mistakes and past decisions.
I don't need to explain why I want to start fresh on a new server.
I
DON'T
OWE
A
FUCKING
EXPLANATION.
Seriously, fuck them all.
Fuck the jealous ones.
Fuck the insecure ones who weren't able to look me in my fuckin' face, so they just disappeared from my life.
I don't care about attachment styles anymore.
I don't care what happened in anyone's childhood.
I don't care why they are fuckin' jealous, and I don't care if my fucking words hurt like hell.
I don't give a shit anymore.
If I am not someone's first choice, they can fuckin' leave as well.
I am not a fuckin' option.
I won't ever shine less just to protect others from their own insecurities.
I am done with this.
Forever.
Finally, this anger arrived to set me free from this bullshit.
I am done with people thinking I am dumb and don't understand the risks I am taking.
I am done with people constantly telling me what I should do and how I should do it, as if I hadn't already been fuckin' spiraling around it for fuckin' weeks.
I am done with explaining why I like this or that and why I am not willing to jump on the fucking hate train—because holy shit, I am the one who actually talks to people.
And I am the one who sees beyond all the fuckin' gossip, yet I still have to listen all the time to people telling me how terrible my judgment is.
Holy fuckin' shit.
And no, interestingly, NEVER EVER were those the people who let me down—the ones everyone else tried to protect me from.
Nope.
They were the ones standing by my side when shit happened.
The judgmental ones were the ones who let me down over and over again.
Holy fuck.
I am angry.
Finally, I am fuckin' angry.
I won't ever ask anyone to choose me again.
But everyone who decides not to choose me can shut the fuck up.