Fk it
Seems like life didn’t want me to stop my healing journey yet. It made me face something that I honestly didn’t enjoy facing.
For the first time in my life, I met someone who is actually interested in me.
Not in the way I make him feel.
Not in the way I am a weird sculpture he could put on a shelf.
Not in the way I am someone to save.
Not in the way he wants to be saved.
But as a human being. And he isn’t even afraid to show that he is curious about me. He is not afraid to tell me his opinion, and he is not afraid of mine.
Someone who is absolutely willing to put all his cards on the table, so I feel completely secure putting all my cards on the table as well.
Someone who is interested in me and comes after me if I withdraw. Not in a controlling, painful way, but simply by showing genuine interest.
Someone who will confront me if needed, but not in a way that makes me want to defend myself.
And this realization made me face the question:
Why on Earth did I ever accept anything less in my relationships?
Less than emotional honesty.
Why the hell were breadcrumbs enough to keep me?
Why did I let people control me?
Why did I cling to promises when the other person didn't keep any of them?
Why was I so blind? Why did I try to believe in potential instead of actual actions?
Words without actions are just... words. They are not even enough in storytelling.
I was so misunderstood and so alone my whole life that I wanted to believe words.
Just like I hoped for years that my dad would change for me, I hoped it would happen in my relationships as well.
And it's not like I didn't know that I was building on something unstable.
But I hoped until the very end that I would be chosen.
But how could I fucking expect someone to choose my feelings, to bear the pain I felt, when they were unable to choose their own feelings?
How could I believe that someone could hold my feelings when they were unable to hold their own?
How could I believe that someone could face my demons when they were fucking cowards, unable to face their own?
How could I believe they would provide me with security when they were so terribly insecure that they couldn’t even tell me when something hurt them?
No wonder I ended up burnt out. I carried everyone else’s burden while no one helped me when I needed it...
Fuck it all.