Hardships
It is interesting how my plan to pursue a PhD shows how little people actually knew about me.
It has been a childhood dream of mine. Really.
And I have never made a secret of it. No, it wasn't something I talked about every day, but I was always open about it.
And still, I got the question:
"Do you really need this? Because I don't think you actually want to do research..."
It felt like a stab to the heart.
I have always wanted to do research.
Maybe not immediately.
Maybe not here, because the environment isn't the best.
But I have always wanted it.
For the sake of knowledge, curiosity, and being around like-minded people.
Yes, I was disappointed in university for a long time. It burned me out.
But not pursuing that PhD would just mean giving up on my dream right before the finish line.
So I already know which two universities I want to apply to. The first one would be an incredible opportunity if I can build myself up enough to get there.
I also finally have a rough idea of what I need to achieve to make it happen.
Still, today I couldn't make as much progress as I wanted.
I tried to fight it. I tried to force myself to sit down and work, or study, or do something—there are so many steps leading me toward my destination.
But today was my day of discouragement.
So after a while, I stopped fighting it and let myself fall.
A positive attitude and the ability to keep looking ahead are not linear.
After weeks of pushing myself, I think it's okay to stop for a moment and reflect.
On who I have become.
Who I am now.
What hardships I am facing.
What else I need.
And how much energy it will require.
So I am a little drained today, and honestly, I have no idea how to recharge.
The old patterns don't work anymore.
And I don't have new ones yet.
This weeding party was just a little too successful, it seems.
I don't have anything left that cheers me up when things get hard.