Head over Heart
Yesterday I made a decision that broke my heart.
I spent a lot of time crying.
But head over heart.
I tried to look at all the possibilities, ran 23412 simulations in my head about how I could make it happen.
But I had to face the truth: no way.
The way I wanted to reach my goals is just not available because I don’t have the time or the resources.
So my daughter will stay in my home country for 1–2 years until I build a life abroad.
She is safe here with her father, grandparents, and relatives.
She wouldn’t be safe with me.
I wouldn’t have the capacity to be properly present while I am trying to build a life from scratch.
My heart is absolutely broken, but facts are facts – I either back down or make this painful decision.
Because it is not only about resources, it is not only about money.
But how much risk I can and am willing to take.
What connections I can build.
How I can manage my time in a country where I have no one.
In 1–2 years, I can make miracles happen if I only have to take care of myself.
I can rent only a room, not a complete apartment.
I can spend my nights researching, studying, building the connections I need, saving money, etc.
I can say yes to risky opportunities because I know I will swing it. There is no one at home whose livelihood is at risk.
It is not how I wanted it.
It is not what my heart is telling me right now.
But this is what is right.
This is the only way I can build a safe life where she can join me later.
I need less money, less time, fewer things to manage.
100 tabs were finally closed out of the 500 in my head.
I can focus on the remaining 400 and my broken heart.
So now I can shift my focus from how I can make an insane amount of money in a very short time to how to make my application to that doctoral program possible and how I will make a little more money alongside the scholarship.
I already got my books and started getting things rolling.
New laptop.
The Art of Game Design.
The Storyteller’s Secret.
Video Game Storytelling.
Raccoon in the Rabbit Hole.
The escape room game I want to make…
And my broken heart.
And in the meantime, I feel like something that I had to hide for a really long time is finally awakening inside me.