I am too lazy to think on a title
The biggest question in this healing journey is not the healing part.
I mean: shit detected -> weed it out. And repeat it over and over again, digging deeper and deeper.
Hard?
Yup.
Painful?
As hell.
Does it require an insane amount of dedication?
Absolutely.
But... at the same time, it's not really the hard part.
You just have to be ready to face the shit you didn't want to face.
But what comes after... this emptiness.
Well, that's the real question.
I purged so fast and so efficiently that I honestly feel empty. A bit of, "I don't know what to do now."
What do I fill this space with?
I weeded out connections I didn't need, the ones that drained me. What should I replace them with?
I weeded out my pain, my fears. I calmed my nervous system down.
What should I fill it with?
I know how I would have reacted to certain situations in the past. With fear. With defensiveness. And into this empty space, the old version of myself wants to crawl back.
Well, I don't want that. I didn't do all this work just to end up back at the starting point.
But how this version of myself reacts is kind of... a mystery.
Is my self-confidence enough to fill that space, or do I need something else?
Can I trust my intuition?
Can I simply not give a fuck? But not with swords, not with resistance. In the sense that I genuinely don't give a damn, deep in my heart. Can I say I don't give a fuck what you think about me, or just shut my ears and act like I care while diving deeper and deeper into my own rabbit hole?
Can I just laugh from the bottom of my heart?
So it's a weird and confusing feeling.
But hey, I got this shit.
I think, at the end of the day, the goal is to be so unbothered that I'm just riding the waves.
And stepping on the heads of the sharks that try to surface.