I am vain
Today I realized another reason why I catch people off guard so often.
They try to put me into boxes I don’t fit into.
And they realize that. But instead of saying, “Okay, let’s not use a box at all,” they just grab more boxes.
I realized this because of the doctoral program I want to apply for.
I’ve heard so many things about it.
Some people started to think that I am somehow more conservative, that I value the system and internalized knowledge.
Someone said he doesn’t understand why I want to do a doctoral program when I am much more of a practical type and not someone who would spend their time doing research.
Some said that I don’t need that program to get the knowledge I want. Or the connections.
And whatever.
This made me realize how desperately people try to fit me into boxes.
Because:
No, I am not conservative. Pursuing academic studies gives me access to a lot of things I desire. Connections, for example. Teaching. Challenging perspectives. Using the old system to my own advantage doesn’t mean being conservative at all. Yes, I have conservative traits, but I don’t accept things just because that’s how they’ve always been done. I take what I find useful. The rest? I just dodge it. Yes, I am very practical, but I love knowledge. Serious knowledge. And yes, I love to research and write. And then I love using that deep knowledge to create something. I am vain as fuck. Most people just don’t realize it because I am not the stereotypical vain woman — I am not vain about my looks, but about my mind. I want that fucking “Dr.” added to my name, and I don’t feel ashamed to admit it. It is a great achievement, especially at a great university — something I am absolutely capable of, so I want to achieve it.
So it would be nice if people would just stop interpreting my intentions and telling me what I need or want.
I am a capable adult. I know exactly what I want.
I want recognition. I want that fucking title. At least I have the balls to admit it.