I can afford not to care at all
Learned helplessness. Everything started here.
As a kid, I couldn't protect myself, and I wasn't even allowed to protect myself.
It was the adults' duty, not mine. If I stood up for myself—especially against an adult—then I was the one who was wrong.
My childhood taught me that the only way to protect myself and my point of view was to hide.
Hide as deeply as possible so no one notices what's happening in my mind, what kind of storm of emotions I carry inside. Hide my ideas because they're too dark, not happy enough, too weird.
My stories were always deep. And dark. They came from my deepest desires, premonitions of the future, criticism. A different point of view on life. No happy endings, no unicorns in the sky, no rays of sunshine. That's not me. That was never me.
And I still remember how badly I wanted one specific person to love what I wrote. How much I wanted her to tell me it was great.
There was one story I was extremely proud of. It was different. It was bittersweet. It was outside the box.
"It is too sad."
That was the only comment I got.
I shattered, honestly. I wanted to cry in that moment.
I can't write happy, sunshine-filled stories. That's not me. That's not the life I draw my inspiration from.
After that, I honestly became afraid of sharing my stories, my work. I just hid that fear behind every possible excuse so I wouldn't have to face it.
In my art, I have always questioned the status quo. I have always touched something deep, something painful that people don't really want to face.
And when I was a kid, a teenager, all I got in return was that I was too much, that I didn't understand life, that I should be happy, that I should write love stories. Especially because I was a woman.
How dare I write about human nature, sadness, the dark side of humanity? Our deepest desires and fears.
I still carry this pain, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully let it go.
But I will never, ever feel ashamed again.
And I won't let learned helplessness determine my life or my decisions.
I know my worth. I know the worth of what I create.
I don't need everyone's approval. I don't need everybody to understand me or my vision.
And I don't need to protect myself or my work either.
I can afford not to care at all.