I Can Choose Not to Forgive
There are sins that are unforgivable.
And finally, I arrived here too, on a night of insomnia.
I was always understanding, forgiving, and kind because I know what people are going through. I know what it feels like to sit in our own darkness, not seeing the way out.
And most of the time, I will choose forgiveness.
But.
Finally, I realized I don’t have to forgive my dad.
I can hate him and wish him to rot in hell until the end of time.
I can allow myself to feel this hatred. This anger.
I don’t have to forgive.
My feelings are valid.
My pain is valid.
What he did to my life is real.
How he made me feel worth far less than I actually am.
What he did to me is unforgivable.
Telling your own child for 10 years straight that you are going to kill yourself... but never actually doing it. It was just the way he begged for attention. Because everybody else had already left. Only one person remained—me, the child who couldn’t leave. The child who had no control over her own life, who needed help but no one was there.
How his death became the biggest relief of my life...
Fuck this shit.
All this suffering, all the wrong decisions, just because a grown man—a father—made me feel like I was not worthy of love. Not worthy of understanding. Not worthy of taking up space. Putting a burden on me that I had to try to save everyone.
It was baggage that was never meant to be mine.
Fuck this shit.
Fuck.
This.
Shit.
He had a choice.
Every single day, he had a choice to act differently.
But no.
He decided to tell me every day that he would hang himself from the roof.
Or that he would jump in front of a train.
How he threatened that I would be the one to find him.
Or that he would jump into the Danube.
And how he blamed me for not loving him when I tried to spend less and less time with him.
Fuck him.
How I became so isolated because he wanted me to spend all my time with him in that terrible smell of cheap wine, dirt, and sweat.
Fuck him.
I won’t forgive.
And I hope he rots in hell until the end of time and sees what he has done over and over again.
No.
He doesn’t deserve forgiveness.
And finally, I feel that I don’t have to forgive.
It is my choice.
He owes me, and I won’t set him free.