I don't believe in love anymore
I don’t believe in love in the romantic way anymore.
It is just something that doesn’t work for me.
I am always enough when I am fun, when I am shining, when I light up the darkest rooms with my laughter.
But with great heights come deep lows.
Deep sadness, furious anger, and everything in between... and that’s when everybody leaves.
Not necessarily physically, but emotionally.
I have always been the one who was there, who held everybody, who lifted them up in their darkest moments. And when I was down—no one was there.
Neither partners nor friends.
Sometimes I got more support and kindness from strangers than from those who said they had chosen me.
I was thinking about why it happened this way, but honestly, how else could it have happened?
Even my own father didn’t choose me.
He terrorized me by threatening to hang himself from the roof.
He got drunk over and over again, no matter how hard I cried and begged him to stop.
He demanded that I love him when all I felt was disgust, pain, and sadness. Watching him slowly die for over 10 years.
He never wanted to spend money on me because "it wasn't his duty."
But he could spend all his money on alcohol.
He chose alcohol over my emotional and physical well-being over and over again.
He watched me cry and beg him to change because I needed him.
I needed my dad during the most important moments of my life, but he was never there.
Because he chose that fucking alcohol.
Of course I chose people who didn’t choose me.
Of course I chose people who chose their fears, their games, their work, their lies, etc. over me.
Because I have no clue what it feels like to be chosen.