I have no clue what I am doing
So yeah, I think my main problem is that I finally feel ready to live my new life.
I have everything I need.
But I am sitting here wondering...
How the actual fuck do I do it?
What does this new version of myself want?
What can she do?
Where does she want to go?
Where can she find the new friends she wants to meet?
I know I want to socialize.
I genuinely want to meet new people.
But I have no fucking clue how.
Honestly...
I got so used to being alone for most of my life that I really don't know how to be around people anymore.
Or where to find the kind of people I actually want to be around.
Maybe they are also sitting in front of an old laptop, wondering what the fuck they are supposed to do.
I am laughing.
Really.
Because if I didn't laugh, I would probably cry.
It is just so ridiculous.
Of course, I could ask myself where I want to be.
I would probably find those people there.
But...
I have no clue where I want to be either.
Maybe this is what being a newborn feels like.
You spend months in the womb.
Warm.
Safe.
Familiar.
A little too tight.
Then suddenly you are born into a completely new world you know nothing about.
And now you have to figure out who the hell you are.
Yeah.
That is exactly the confusion I feel right now.
Maybe I really should listen to the Universe and start making videos.
But I have no clue what they should even be about.
I have been writing my whole life.
That is what I know.
That is what I am good at.
I have no idea what it feels like to use my own voice instead of my written words.
Could I make videos about storytelling?
About how I transform pain, life experiences, and emotions into entirely new stories?
Honestly...
I don't know.
When I write, I am The Magician.
I create my life.
I shape the world around me with words because I know exactly how to use them.
But if I started making videos...
I would become The Fool.
The one who doesn't really know what she is doing.
The one who simply takes the leap and hopes she can fly.
Maybe this is the leap of faith I have been encouraged to take all along.
But this time...
I am honestly scared.
Really, really scared.
And I wish someone were here encouraging me to do it.
Just once in my fucking life...
I wish someone were here to hold my hand and tell me,
"You can do this."
"You already have everything you need."
"It is okay to be scared."
But I will probably have to find that courage inside myself.
Again.
While overthinking.
While having absolutely no clue what I am doing.
While crying in that fucking corner, scared like a little bunny.
Holy shit.