Insomnia again...
Fuck my life, this inner rage that woke me up at 3:30 a.m., and this toothache. It can go fuck itself too.
I have never been this done with bullshit in my life.
My naive heart. The one that always wanted to trust people. That they were better than they actually were.
Well, I learned my lesson about how wrong I was.
No, they are not.
I still believe that people can change, but the era when I believed that they want to change is over.
Forever.
Most people just want reassurance and acceptance without realizing how much fucking harm they cause with their terrible behavior.
So many big words...
That guy I missed, the one I said I regretted not telling my feelings to... everything sounds nice and sweet now, but I forgot how he made me feel guilty for not telling him my feelings. It's not like I was five or six years younger than him, with far less experience. And it's not like I was the woman. Those same men feel intimidated if a woman makes the first move.
Oh, my naive heart that always wanted to assume the best in people because of their huge potential.
Because the potential is there. I know that. I see that.
But the actions... those fucking actions just don't align.
Oh, fuck this shit.
And the worst thing is that, in the end, they all hide or blame me.
Like I'm too much, I'm too sweet, I'm not confident enough, I'm not this, I'm too that.
None of them just grows a pair and says:
"Sorry. I was a coward."
"I was wrong."
Or anything along those lines.
Instead of looking in that fucking mirror, they put the blame on me.
On me, who always saw the best in them and was always there.
The consistent one.
The one who gave emotional security through her consistency and her availability. Who never left just because things got hard. Who stood her ground when it got hard. Who stayed when she had every single reason not to.
And they are even coward to give me what I deserve: an apology, and explanation. Take their fucking baggages back.
They choose not only lose me but HURT me so they don't have to face with who they actually are. That maybe what they believe they are is not completely true. That they have to man up and change. Become a better version of themselves.
They would rather choose to hurt me, abandon me in my hardest moments after all the promises. So they don't have to change. They don't have to face with their imperfections.
Fuck it.