The Final Boss of My Fears
This morning I sat with my thoughts for a while. And with the pain.
I kept asking myself:
What is the universe trying to teach me?
Because I thought I had already learned my lesson.
- I am more myself than ever.
- I finally let myself be seen.
- I found my way back to my creative self.
- I am actively learning how to use my mind in the way that works best for me.
- I have learned to put down the burdens that were never mine to carry.
- I have learned to trust my intuition.
- I am aware of the old patterns I have been carrying, and I have put them down. I also recognize when they try to crawl back.
But that breakthrough I have been waiting for—the one I know is coming—always feels like it slips through my fingers.
And honestly, it annoys me.
So I forced myself to sit down and stay with my thoughts.
Because I no longer see hardships as hardships.
I see them as lessons.
And the only way to learn them is to face my own life, what I have achieved, where I ended up, and why I am still not where I could be.
Because I already have everything I need to become successful in the way I want to be successful.
- Creativity.
- Hyperfocus.
- Knowledge, curiosity, and the willingness to learn.
- If I decide to do something, I go after it like a blindfolded bull and work so hard that I actually scare people.
- I am willing to take risks and make sacrifices.
And after letting go of so many old patterns and fears, I have unlocked all of these on an entirely new level.
I have also already identified some of the things that have been holding me back:
- I carried far too many burdens that were never mine.
- I surrounded myself with the wrong people—people who drained my cup instead of filling it.
- I gave away control over parts of my life that I never should have surrendered.
- I spent an insane amount of energy masking. And I did it so naturally that I didn't even realize I was masking. Of course even my hyperactivity disappeared when I spent my whole life trying to hide it.
All of these things led to my burnout.
All of them contributed to the fact that I never reached the success I wanted.
So I sat down to ask myself:
What the fuck else is blocking me?
And then it came.
I have always given up right before the breakthrough.
Right before it.
I'm not saying that this is something I enjoy admitting.
But the truth is the truth.
And the truth sets us free.
Realizing that I have always stopped right before the breakthrough is honestly painful.
Right before a new habit could truly become a habit.
Right before publishing my novel.
Right before finishing something.
Always.
Okay.
We are getting somewhere.
But this still isn't the real question.
Why?
Why the actual fuck did I always stop right before the breakthrough?
Of course, everything I mentioned above played a role.
Burnout.
The lack of a real support system.
All of that is true.
But...
What if those things are only symptoms?
What if they are not the truth itself, but merely symptoms of a deeper truth?
I have a very strong will.
I have a strong personality.
There is no question about that.
But...
If that is true...
Why did I let all of those things control me?
Because nobody forced me.
Nobody could.
I let them.
I was the one who willingly carried those burdens.
At some point, I was the one choosing people who drained me.
These are incredibly uncomfortable truths.
I can honestly say that I hate sitting with them.
Absolutely.
And while I am writing this, I can feel the urge to run away.
Really.
I already know the answer.
I just haven't written it down.
Because saying it out loud will hurt so much that I will probably sit here crying for ten or fifteen minutes.
So...
Why did I let all of this happen?
Why did I actively participate in it?
Why did I spend so much of my life helping other people build their dream careers instead of building my own?
Mine...
Because I was afraid of the person I would have to become if I succeeded.
Yeah...
I'm going to sit with that thought for a while.
Unconsciously, I have been afraid of success.
No.
I'm not afraid of losing.
I have made peace with losing.
But...
What if I win?
Who will I become if I finally win?
I am afraid of my own power.
My own abilities.
My own influence.
That is why I always feel almost paralyzed when someone tells me that I inspired them to change their life.
Because realizing that I am capable of that feels like an enormous responsibility.
And that is fucking scary.
I know that if I truly step into my power and finally do what I want to do, that comes with enormous responsibility.
A storyteller changes lives.
A teacher changes lives.
A researcher changes lives.
Changing lives comes with great responsibility.
Becoming a stronger, more powerful version of myself also comes with great responsibility.
Stepping out of the darkness and showing people who I really am is terrifying.
So...
I have been self-sabotaging.
I always stopped right before that breakthrough because I was afraid of becoming the person I was always meant to become.
The witch who would have been burned at the stake in the Middle Ages.
For a long time, I couldn't understand how someone could be afraid of success.
Now I understand.
Because this is the final boss of my fears.
It isn't something you consciously know.
You don't wake up thinking,
"I'm afraid of success."
Who the actual fuck wants to admit that?
It sounds ridiculous.
But a small life comes with small responsibilities.
A big life comes with big responsibilities.
And of course, if I spent my whole life believing that being myself was somehow wrong...
If I even hid my true colors from myself...
How the hell wouldn't I be terrified to show them to everyone else?
Creative work is not like many other careers, where you can hide behind a professional mask and convince everyone that you are always in control, always confident, always know exactly what you are doing.
There, you can hide your true colors.
Most people will never notice.
Maybe because they are masking too.
But in creative work, it is impossible.
If you want to create something meaningful...
Something that lasts...
You have to crack your heart and your mind wide open.
You have to reveal the parts that hurt the most.
The parts you would rather hide even from yourself.
So...
Conclusion...
I am not afraid of what happens if nothing works out.
I have gotten used to that.
I have gotten used to letting things go.
I have gotten used to failure.
Failure is simply part of life, and I am honestly at peace with it.
But...
What happens if it actually works?
That...
That scared the shit out of me.
Okay.
I think I am going to sit in the corner and cry for a little while.