My Justice
Okay, I think it is finally time to get assessed for ADHD and autism.
I have reached the point where I need real answers.
Honestly, this is not how I wanted to spend a thousand euros at this stage of my life...
But I need those answers.
Not more spiraling around the possibility.
A real assessment.
The more I think about it, the more flaws, struggles, and painful experiences from my childhood and teenage years suddenly start to make sense.
I honestly don't know what I expect from a diagnosis.
Probably nothing more than relief.
Understanding.
To finally see another part of myself.
To finally feel that I was never the problem.
That all the self-hatred...
All the loneliness I had to overcome...
All the struggles...
Came from growing up in a world that couldn't understand me, not because there was something wrong with me.
That I was never broken.
Just different.
I think that is all I want.
Relief.
An explanation for why I have always felt like I didn't fit anywhere.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
After decades of being misunderstood and feeling so alone, I deserve answers.
To know that I was never lazy.
That I was never "too emotional."
That I was never too little or too much.
That I am not picky—I may simply have sensory sensitivities.
That I don't hate garlic because I'm picky, but because I can feel its smell and taste as if they reach the very top of my brain.
That I don't hate those fucking vegetables in soup because I'm picky, but because their texture makes me feel like throwing up.
That I don't hate touching sand because I'm an idiot.
That my fucking handwriting isn't messy because I'm lazy, but because this is simply how my brain and my hands work together.
My thoughts have always been so much faster than my handwriting could ever be.
No matter how hard I tried.
No matter how many times I tried throughout my life.
That my sense of justice comes from somewhere incredibly deep inside me...
Something I have never been able to explain.
When I was a little kid, I walked up to a group of teenage boys and told them not to throw their rubbish on the ground.
And even today, whenever I witness something unfair, I feel that same urge to step in.
To do something.
To make it right.
That being a living contradiction is not a flaw.
It is simply the way my mind works.
That the enormous universe inside my head...
My imagination...
Was never a flaw either.
It was an endless landscape of possibilities that very few people ever stopped to explore.
Because it doesn't fit into a one-size-fits-all world.
I simply want my answers.
Finally.
Just once in my life.
To understand why I have always been the black sheep with the colorful personality.