My mental trash bin
Today I was focusing on what I actually want to do with this blog.
Because at the moment, it functions as a mental trash bin where I throw all the flaws and clutter of my mind. And honestly, I had no idea how much I actually needed a trash bin like this. It helps me organize the creative chaos inside my mind, and by writing down every stupid little thing, I find the framework I actually need.
It has become one of my best friends in the process, together with my tennis ball, stress ball, tarot cards, and yoga. They all help regulate this amazing mind I have.
It is also a way of communicating with my past self.
And it helps a lot with my anxiety about sharing my work, my thoughts, and myself.
It has helped me get through a lot of fears from the past that should have never been mine.
I think I will keep it as it is: a mental trash bin.
I let my thoughts flow and see where they lead me—I never know when I will find the treasure I am looking for.
Tomorrow I am finally going to finish my tattoo: a blue phoenix with wisteria, cherry blossoms, laburnum, and an enso circle with kintsugi art. It symbolizes my calmness, my ability to die and be reborn over and over again, and my uniqueness. It also symbolizes hope, beauty, kindness, renewal, happiness, and joy. The kintsugi art symbolizes the beauty of the scars I carry—that they shaped me into the person I am today.
I got an interesting new point of view a few days ago that immediately made my mind fight back. That my loneliness during my childhood and teenage years was actually a blessing—that I learned to be a friend to myself, that I know how to be alone and enjoy my own company.
Before that, I had never thought about it that way. But as my mind and my wounds calmed down, I felt that he was right.
I am not chained to anyone. My happiness doesn't depend on having people around me. So I don't have to choose the company of people I don't enjoy.
It is a blessing.
At the end of the day, I am the only one in my head.
It helps if we are friends.