Next step? Where?
I have a very deep confusion.
Actually...
I don't even think confusion is the right word.
I am sitting here with my heart completely cracked open, finally ready to live.
And I have no clue what comes next.
I really don't.
It feels like I have endless possibilities...
And at the very same time, none at all.
I know what I want to achieve.
Even if I don't know every single step that will get me there, I know the next few.
And for now, that's enough.
The rest will reveal itself over time.
I know that more clarity is coming.
The assessment.
Maybe I'll finally get the answers I deserve.
I know what I need to do next for that.
What comes after...
I have no idea.
But I don't think I need to know yet.
But...
What else?
I mean...
I should start living.
But how?
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Sometimes I wish someone would come here, take my hand, and lead me into the light.
I feel more than ready to live.
I just don't know how.
I wanted to go on a trip abroad to an amusement park.
But all my money will go toward the assessment.
So that isn't happening.
Honestly, I would love to go somewhere where I could dance in the street with complete strangers.
But there aren't places like that around here.
I'm not in the mood to go to the forest.
If I want to be alone, I can do that here at home.
And it feels the same with everything else that comes to mind.
I think what I really need right now is company.
Real company.
I am so done with this solitude.
I am so bored of it.
I don't even think I would enjoy that amusement park by myself anymore.
Not because I can't enjoy being alone.
I can.
But honestly...
I think I've become bored of myself.
I mean, if you drink your favorite drink every day for months or years...
Eventually you'll get fucking bored of that too.
That is exactly how I feel.
Oh, God.
I don't even know where—or how—to begin.
I think I need someone who can teach me how to live and show me the world.