Numb
How long can someone keep going once they’ve reached the edge?
Four years…
I feel like I have been balancing on the edge of my strength for four years.
Miscarriage. A terrible birth. My life collapsing in front of my eyes. Losing my plant collection.
Problems, problems, problems.
All I see are mountains of problems.
I am tired.
I have never felt so numb before.
I am not even angry anymore.
I have been living on batteries for four years that I didn’t even know existed.
I want to rest, but I cannot even do that because I wake up in the middle of the night having no clue what my next step will be.
Problems.
Duties.
Problems.
Duties.
And myself.
I keep going because I have no other choice, but…
I am fucking tired.
Carrying this burden.
And no matter how much I purge, how much I put down, I am already so tired that I can barely feel the space I’ve freed.
Somewhere along the way, I even lost my empathy, I guess.
Me, who always cared about others, doesn’t really give a fuck anymore.
It is like a rollercoaster – sometimes up, sometimes down. It feels like there is no balance at all. And I have become so tired of these ups and downs as well.
At this point, life has become so heavy that I have no idea how to keep moving forward.
I am sure I will figure it out.
And I will take the next steps.
Like I always do.
I just wish I could take a little break…
But a break wouldn’t help either.
I have never felt so lonely in my life.
And so numb.