Preparation
The past three years haven’t been easy. Especially the last two months.
I watched everything fall apart around me, losing everything—every plan and every dream of mine.
For a long time, I didn’t understand why all this shit was happening to me. What had I done again?
And why I kept seeing my new life, my new beginning, over and over again, only to watch it slip through my fingers.
But now, on the brink of my new life, I needed to realize that without this hardship, without this pain, without this amount of inner work, I wouldn’t be able to hold everything I want.
The version of myself from two months ago couldn’t have been a creative professional. Why? Because she didn’t believe in herself. She thought her mind was a burden, not a gift. That her crazy ideas were so out there that no one would ever accept them.
Now?
I know exactly what I’m worth.
No, I don’t think I’m perfect, and I don’t think there aren’t still tons of things I need to learn.
But I know I can learn anything I want to—and need to.
And I have all the skills I need to make things happen.
The version of myself from two months ago wouldn’t have been able to hold the love she wanted. Because she thought she didn’t deserve it. She wasn’t pretty enough, hardworking enough, smart enough, or kind enough.
The new me knows exactly what she deserves and won’t settle for less.
She knows how to communicate her needs and wants, how to set boundaries without stepping on anyone else.
The version of myself from two months ago wouldn’t have been able to write this play. Because she didn’t believe she could learn everything she needed and write 60,000–100,000 characters in two months.
This new version of me knows exactly that she can do it.
And she looks at it as a fun challenge.
The version of myself from two months ago wouldn’t have been able to write this blog.
She negotiated about her tattoos, almost asking for forgiveness for something that is as much a part of her as one of her limbs.
Now I’m so unbothered I can’t even tell you.
I don’t care who leaves and who stays anymore.
The most important thing is to stay true to myself.
Now I look at this journey for what it is:
A preparation for finally living the life I actually want to live.