Protagonist
I was a bit distracted by other parts of my life, so I worked a little less on the play. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t work on it at all.
Here is the protagonist in a nutshell.
So, it is time to get to know the protagonist of Raccoon in the Rabbit Hole.
She is 34. She is average-looking—pretty, but not exceptionally pretty. She has tattoos, which were always an unconscious rebellion against social and family expectations.
She was a creative child who was always energetic, but at the same time she daydreamed a lot. Her imagination was always huge, and she was also a quick learner. But her environment always focused on what she lacked. She had undiagnosed AuDHD and very high intelligence.
She always tried to fit in, masked really well, but was always the black sheep of the family. Her intelligence and different way of thinking isolated her: teachers either admired her or hated her. Wherever she went, she was either too much or too little. She carried the same burdens as her mother: the woman has to solve everything in the family, she has to endure. But at the same time, she always rebelled. She listened, nodded, and then did things her own way.
She wrote plenty of stories but was never brave enough to try to publish them. She started several novels but finished none of them—unconsciously fearing success.
She was an overgiver. Unconsciously, she hoped that at least once in her life someone would try to understand her. But people never wanted to understand her—they wanted her to make sense.
She is very successful in her field, with a high income because of her intelligence and willingness to take risks. But at the same time, she hated it and eventually burned out. This success was also a mask. She seemed confident and content, while inside she felt her life and job were absolutely meaningless.
The pressure from her husband to have children also broke her, along with her mother's illness. She realizes that she is reaching her limits, but she is so stuck in her head that she has no clue how to change it.
She envied "ordinary" people who would have been extremely happy with her life—a life that never fulfilled her.
All these burdens and constant masking led to a mental breakdown. She had to change to a less stressful job, and she started to confront herself and her masks. She also received her official AuDHD diagnosis, which she had no clue what to do with. The only thing she knows is that she wants justice for herself. Her long-buried desire to become a writer resurfaces—a dream she had constantly suppressed because of outside expectations: make money, be stable, have a relationship, live a life that makes sense.
This is the point where the story starts.
Her journey begins when she finds a playwriting competition. She has never written a play before, but she has always been somewhat interested in it. There is a tight deadline, but she is curious about what she is capable of, so she orders some books and starts writing the play.
At first, she doubts herself—whether she can maintain her motivation, whether she is capable of doing it, and what the people around her will think. That is why she is afraid to tell anyone about her plan. First she tells the people who matter less: friends and her boss. Then her husband. Finally, her mother. During the process, she realizes that all along, the only person stopping her was herself. Her fears are much bigger and far more paralyzing than the real issues.
Throughout the play, she starts to live and work more authentically. At first, she tries to hide, speaks more gently, and spirals. By the end, she becomes more blunt and direct.
At the beginning, she sits still while writing and thinking. As the story progresses, she starts listening to music more loudly, walking around, dancing, and moving more freely. Movement appears more and more in her life—not only while writing, but gradually she is no longer afraid to show it at work either.
She cares less and less about criticism. Instead of reacting emotionally, she acknowledges it, accepts it, adapts where necessary, but no longer takes it personally.
At first, she overexplains. Slowly, she stops and only explains herself when it is asked for or genuinely needed.
She faces her fears throughout the journey: the fear of success, the fear of recognition, and the fear of what her mother will think and how she will judge her.