Realization
I went so deep into this healing journey that I actually tried to heal something in me that was perfectly fine.
It is funny how desperately I looked for answers that I thought all the problems were in me.
But no.
Wanting clarity? Accountability? Since when are they a problem?
Wanting to talk through problems instead of hiding like a coward?
Wanting to feel chosen in a relationship?
Wanting someone to keep their fucking promises?
Wanting to be chosen over a fucking game?
Not wanting someone to buy stuff for a random woman while I was struggling in my own fucking life, trying to rebuild it from scratch?
Looking for basic human conversations?
Looking for security when I was sad or desperate?
Why on Earth did I think, even for a fucking moment, that those things were not okay?
Why did I believe that I was also the problem?
No, I wasn't.
My only fucking problem was believing these things were too much to ask.
Just because other people had issues.
No. Fuck it all.
Really.
My only issue was not stepping on them sooner.
And hoping they would change.
And believing that me wanting to feel safe in a relationship was the issue.
I believed I was too much...
I was never too much.
Others were too insecure.
And because I am so empathetic and know what pain actually is... I understood them and put my own needs and wants aside. I respected distance I should have never accepted because it made me so uncomfortable. A fucking relationship requires closeness. And when I said otherwise, it was shown to me that I was the problem, that I was the one overthinking.
I compensated in other ways when all I needed was a decent, equal relationship where I could thrive.
Where I don't have to second-guess myself. Where I don't have to beg for my basic needs.
Of course my creativity and everything else were blocked when I never fucking felt valued. When I was so busy feeling so small...
I should have never second-guessed myself.
No fucking man should have made me feel like I was too little.
That I didn't deserve closeness, clarity, and consistency.
That wanting to be prioritized was too much.
That expecting help when I asked for it was unreasonable.
I never should have let myself shrink.
That was my only fucking problem.
Wanting BASIC things in a relationship:
Emotional security.
Not money.
Not material things.
Not anything else.
FUCKING EMOTIONAL SECURITY.
How could I ever believe I was the problem because of that?
I was never anxious.
I wanted stability and a place where I didn't have to guess my worth.
I was never anxious.
I never begged to be loved.
I just believed that potential meant more than actual actions.
That people made promises they actually intended to keep.
I was always fucking happy to be alone. I am my own best company. I never begged for a relationship. I never wanted to be in one no matter what. It was always like that.
I second-guessed myself... when i was never the issue.
Holy fuck.