The Crossroads
It is time to admit that I am scared as fuck.
I ran out of humor.
I reached the point where I have no humor, self-irony, or sarcasm left in my pocket, and this is what causes my paralysis.
I cope with humor. I always have.
I hide my feelings, my pain, my doubts, my fears behind humor.
It always helps me keep going, release the stress and tension.
But I reached the point where I have to face the fact that I have run out of it.
Losing those six months is terrible and terrifying.
I cried for half an hour, so somehow I am coping with this shit.
That’s why I wasn’t able to do anything. That’s why even putting my phone on the charger was such a pain.
Because all the feelings I locked away behind a wall of laughter and humor finally pushed me to the point where I had to face them.
Losing six months from a two-year plan that would normally have been a three-year plan is so fucking terrifying that I have no words for it.
I thought I had time to build more slowly.
To build more confidence.
To build more knowledge.
To figure things out.
Just to give my soul and mind a little time to adapt.
Because I am so insanely tired that I have no words for it.
I wanted to give myself a little more time…
But I am at a crossroads:
I actually wait three years and keep doing what I am doing right now. Build slowly, play it extremely safe, and delay everything I want even longer. And maybe even lose opportunities.
I buckle up, hit the gas, and hope for the best.
One part of me would choose the first.
The other would choose the second.
Playing it safe or taking the risk?
Resting and giving myself time, or saying that it is always darkest before the dawn and admitting that there is no way out except through the storm?
Lying to myself over and over again that I can do this half-heartedly, that I can keep my options open?
Or finally stop lying to myself and make those harsh, painful decisions I need to make.
And finally choose to use the drive, the fiery soul, and the sharp mind I have to make the impossible happen.
This crossroads is asking me whether I want to stay the same or become who I was always meant to be.