The Justice I Deserve
I need to rewrite my whole story.
Not only who I am now, but who I was before. Because it seems like the old assumption I had about myself was false all along.
I got a reality check from a friend I know through this game, and it ended with a painful realization.
I just got to know that I was always much greater than I actually believed I was.
Even those who I thought saw me as a total failure actually blamed me for only waiting for co-lead all the time, instead of actually doing what I wanted and needed to do. Which I cannot blame him for.
How people saw me shine even when I thought I was a failure.
How people trusted me when I thought I fucked up everything.
How I blamed myself for all the external bad things while never giving myself credit for the great things I made happen.
How I made everybody know my name in those KvKs, even on the losing side.
How I made the impossible possible.
And how it made people feel insecure. Seeing what I am capable of. That I am not a weak and broken little girl to be saved.
And how they tried to make me feel less because of their insecurity.
How I was an actual badass all my life, always going my own way.
How I faced my fears and how I fought them all the time.
How the system always wanted me to fail and how I always fought against the odds.
I have never been the failure I thought I was.
I was just surrounded by the wrong people. People who, instead of encouraging me to chase my dreams and believe in my abilities, focused on what I was lacking.
I was always the badass one who took the leap and walked her own path.
And only those who don’t make mistakes don’t progress.
Failure is part of the journey.
My mistakes didn’t make me less, but more.
I am not my mistakes.
But they gave me my wisdom. My knowledge. My self-awareness. My peace. My courage. My resilience.
I was always badass.
I just forgot about it for a while.
But now I remember.
So now I am rewriting my story.
To not only see who I am now, but who I was before.
To give myself the justice I deserve.