The Racoon in The Rabbit Hole
I really should go for an assessment...
I mean, the more I read about ADHD and AuDHD, the more my life makes sense.
OMG, I just cannot stop laughing.
One of my favourite quotes I read:
"I can’t decide what to make for dinner. But if the building catches fire, I suddenly become Captain America."
I mean, really. The most trivial shit causes me so much trouble, frustration, and headaches, but when it comes to an emergency, I solve everything. It’s like I thrive in chaos.
And that last-minute pressure... I mean, I survived university by learning 300–400 pages in a week. I’m not saying it was easy or that I didn’t have caffeine running through my veins instead of blood, but I did it. This is exactly how I learned poems and things by heart too. Oh God, I cannot tell you how much I hated it. Sitting down and learning and repeating the same shit over and over and over again.
Oh God.
How I notice the smallest fucking changes in people’s behaviour that they themselves don’t even realize.
Honestly, I love it.
It is such a cool place here down the rabbit hole, where I live like a fucking raccoon.
Ngl, it is really funny.
I mean, it has its terrible sadness as well.
How painful it is to write a single email that seems so easy for everybody else.
How terrible it is to assume the worst when someone writes even slightly differently.
How every single mistake I made felt like a catastrophe my whole life because I faced so much rejection. That I was too much, too loud, that I laughed too loudly, that I cried too much. How terrible it always was that everybody wanted to solve my problems whenever I cried. But I always knew how to fix my problems. All I wanted was emotional support.
How everybody had extremely high expectations of me because of how intelligent I am, but I always failed at the tasks everybody else said were easy. Because I just didn’t care.
How much people hurt me because I was messy all the time.
The only reason I got such good grades in school was my intelligence, not because I was hardworking. Most of the time I didn’t give a damn. I just panicked and learned everything in an hour.
How my kindergarten teacher told my mother that I was dumb. Then I scored an IQ of 160.
How everybody wanted me to sit down and study all the time, but it never actually worked. How I could never work or learn in a linear way.
But hey,
I’m a raccoon in the rabbit hole now.
And I find it funny.
The past is in the past.