The Shift
There is something that annoys the hell out of me every single day, and I still can't really make peace with it.
A lot of the time, it feels like there are two opposite sides of me fighting a never-ending and completely pointless battle.
Not in the sense that I have two personalities or anything like that.
It is more like flipping a coin and never knowing which side it is going to land on.
One side wants to go out.
The other wants to stay at home under a blanket and talk to absolutely no one.
The best part is when the first one makes plans for the day...
And the second one is the one who actually has to carry them out.
One wants adventure and wants to discover everything.
The other would happily stay inside its comfort zone forever.
One is impulsive and wants to act the moment an idea appears.
The other could sit on the same idea for...
Forever?
I mean, if that second side is in charge, I won't do anything new.
I won't make a decision until I have tried to predict every possible outcome...
Even the impossible ones.
One of them is crazy as fuck.
Completely unpredictable.
The other is the most predictable, boring motherfucker on this planet.
And for a really, really long time...
The second one was the one in charge.
The first one was always there too.
She would occasionally show herself.
But all the fears I carried gave the power to the second one.
The one who never really wanted change.
I think the biggest lesson from this whole Call of Dragons journey was that the first side finally got to take the wheel.
That is exactly why she has so many flaws and imperfections.
And why she sometimes makes a complete mess of things.
Because I never had the chance to discover what she is actually capable of.
Or what she could bring into my life.
I buried her so deeply and silenced her for so long that I almost forgot she even existed.
Unless a risky decision had to be made.
Or everything was on the line.
I hid her because she wasn't considered socially acceptable for a woman.
And because my environment punished me for being decisive.
For being adventurous.
For being a free spirit.
For simply existing in my own energy.
That is probably why I have felt so unbalanced for most of my life.
Because the second side was always the one making the decisions.
The responsible one.
The grounded one.
The perfectly logical one.
The rule follower.
The one who chose solitude over socializing.
And now...
Here I am.
Open.
Creative.
Decisive.
Fearless.
Free.
And I still have no idea what this side of me is truly capable of.
But I am honestly curious to find out.