Trying to Be Authentic
I am always trying to be authentic. Really. I am not saying that I always succeed at it – I am so far from it. But whenever I write something, whenever I give advice, it doesn’t come purely from books, videos, or influencers who have never experienced hardship but act like they have. It comes from my own fucking experience and my insane amount of inner work. I am not better than anyone; I just fucked up more things. Honestly, I fucked up everything – if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have had that mental breakdown that changed the course of my life. That’s exactly why I have so much forgiveness – because I know what it is like to want the best and still fuck up. Life humbled my ego enough to see the perfection in imperfection. And I was never afraid of facing myself. My flaws, my imperfections. This is where my wisdom comes from. And from knowing that healing takes time. We are not always ready to face the truth. But at the same time, sometimes we have to kick down the door that doesn’t want to open. If not, we won’t get anywhere. Because there is no key. It is rusting somewhere in the middle of the ocean of self-pity. But we have crowbars and we have our feet… and who knows, maybe there is a hidden cannon in the sofa. Sometimes healing is shouting, crying, and throwing onions at the wall. Sometimes it is walking in nature. Sometimes it is a new relationship, a new connection. Sometimes it is an honest conversation. Sometimes it is spitting on someone’s grave. Sometimes it is stepping on people whom we really deeply love. Sometimes it is solitude. Sometimes it is looking for new company. Sometimes it is telling the whole world to go to hell. Sometimes it is starting something new. Sometimes it is leaving behind the things that no longer serve us. Sometimes it is giving. Sometimes it is receiving. Sometimes choosing ourselves means a new hobby. Sometimes choosing ourselves means helping someone. Sometimes choosing ourselves means cutting ties. Sometimes choosing ourselves means repairing connections. It is a roller coaster, and there is no answer that fits everyone. It is always different, different stages. We always need to face our own needs, not what others tell us to do. They can give advice and guidance, but they will never be your truth, your answers. We are our greatest teachers, and that quiet inner voice called intuition is the best guide. (No, if that inner voice is telling you that you should massacre a bunch of school kids, look for a psychiatrist, please. That is NOT intuition!)